An Open Letter to My Abuser
To the boy in the Star Wars t-shirt:
You may remember my name but not my face;
and that's okay.
I was your first girl;
When you were angry at the world
and everything in it,
Including me.
I was the first to see
Your sick, twisted idea of love.
To the boy in the Star Wars t-shirt:
I'm sorry I couldn't teach you to be kind.
I was the first to see
How deep your anger went.
I could have told you how wrong you were,
Yet I didn't make a sound.
Even when you went for that first slap,
I only flinched and stood there.
It was enough to make you pause,
But I could have said something more,
So I'm sorry.
To the boy in the Star Wars t-shirt:
I'm sorry I couldn't teach you respect.
I was the first to feel
Your unwanted touches
Your experimentation, because
You thought I wanted what you had to give,
When I was so terrified,
So afraid you'd get angry and hurt me
That I couldn't say no.
You never saw me after you left,
When I took cold showers
and clawed at my skin
To erase the feeling
Of your hands on my body
Because I couldn't utter a simple word
To make you stop.
And I'm sorry for that.
To the boy in the Star Wars t-shirt:
I don't want an apology.
I want to learn to live,
Not in fear of you,
But in spite of you.
I want to find a reason to continue
and forget the times you made me want to die.
Someday, I want my memories of you to fade,
So I no longer remember your face.
Someday, I want to be happy
Without your legacy to torment me any more.
For that, I am not sorry.
To the boy in the Star Wars t-shirt:
I hope someone teaches you kindness
and respect
and erases your twisted idea of love.
I hope someone replaces it
With a new idea:
One of beauty,
To erase your foul past.
I hope someday
You forget my name
Forget my face
and replace them with someone
You can respect in both mind and body.
I hope someday
You can finally grow up
and be the man you should have been to me.