To Numb The Pain

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“The youth of America is putting itself into a coma state.” We are all looking for numbness; finding our relief in painkillers. We are constantly looking for things to help us become paralyzed. We wish to become machines. We forget that part of being human means growing, and part of growing means pain.  We don’t want pain, we don’t want to grow, and we don’t want to become separate from the things that comfort us.

And when I think about this, I think about David, and I think about Petey. How the pain was just too much for them. They needed to find something to paralyze the pain. And when they found pain in those drugs, they just took more to numb the pain. And it all became too much, because eventually one will find pain in all things. And I look into Petey’s eyes and I see the pain. It makes me hurt for him and I just wish I could take the pain from him. I wish I could hold him and make him whole again. I wish I could show him that with pain there is beauty. But when things get to painful he turns back to his demons to cure him. I sometimes wish I could fight off those demons for him and make him safe again. I wish I could take the pain from him. I’d gladly take the pain from him to make him see the beauty in life. And those hollow eyes that just see pain make me feel so much sorrow and I wish I could fill those eyes.

I find myself trying to fight off his demons in my own life. When I look at those blue eyes and I see him being a “normal college kid,” I wonder if he is just trying to numb the pain too. And I remind him of Petey’s hollowed eyes and I pray to God that his don’t become hollow too. And sometimes I find Petey’s demons whispering in my ear that it’s easy to numb the pain.

I look at that beautiful girl with white scars all up her arm. And I know that the pain was just too much for her too. And she found relieve in a different demon, just as destructive as Petey’s. And when I asked her about them, she answered that the physical numbed the emotional, if only for a little while.  When the emotional pain became just too much, she’d take a shiny razor blade and mark up her arm to distract her from her thoughts. And I look at those scars and I know they cause more pain than any other thing. They remind her of her painful past and how much hatred she has felt in her life. And I show her all the love I can. I wish I could take all the pain from her. If I could take her pain and make it my own to give her happiness I would without a second thought. And I try to show her the beauty in life. I remind her that her scars are beautiful; those scars show growth and how much she has overcome.

I find my loved ones creating her own demons. I see parents buying into it. It’s okay because it’s prescribed by a doctor. But that doctor does not know her. I watch as my love empties herself as those empty bottles fill her room. And I find it all so sick. Those pills just make her unhuman. And when I find myself being asked why I do not go on medication for the anxiety, I tell them I want to be human. I do not want to be the monster that she has become. Because that anxiety makes me feel human when all else fails.

And I often find myself looking for numbness too. Just like Petey and that beautiful girl, sometimes the pain seems like too much.  Sometimes the world just seems too dark. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy; the energy to fight off the pain. On those days, I look in the mirror and I see my eyes are dull. On those days I don’t trust a thing. And I find myself apologizing to people, for the way I am feeling. But I will no longer apologize for feeling the pain. Because pain is a sign of growth, and if you are not growing, you are wasting your time.

I look on the past year and realized how much pain I have felt. How I fought for Joe to stay but he is gone. How I often look around and feel so alone. How Petey’s demons still haunt me late at night when I cannot sleep. I find people who have been so cold and mean have left my life and on those long sleepless nights my heart tingles a bit for them; but they did not make me grow.

I find myself yearning for numbness on those nights when I cannot sleep. When my nightmares seem just too real, numbness seems like such a good solution. But numbness doesn’t solve a thing. In order to feel happiness we must know what it’s like to feel sadness. So I appreciate the sadness in my life because it makes the happiness better. I find so many people taking happiness for granted. But I would never do such a thing, I savior each moment that happiness touches my heart. And I remind myself that the pain means I’m alive; it means I am growing.

As I grow I understand that it has become easier to let those people go. I wonder if Petey will ever grow; if those demons will ever let him be. And I wonder if that girl will see the beauty in her scars that I see. And on those days when my eyes go dull, I hide out in my room. I turn the lights off and the music up. That music reminds me to feel, feel happiness, feel pain; it doesn’t matter what I feel as long as I feel. If there ever comes a day that I do not feel I pray that it’s because my heart is old and weak and has stopped pumping my blood. Because I look at Petey and I look at David and I look at that beautiful girl, and I see that the numbness made them just as good as dead.

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