Im thoughtful tonight again.  Idk if it is the seclusion or the wine. I just cant help but ask myself do I really want this. Do I really want anything. Maybe I want everything. But I am a machine. A product of my environment and experiences. Who am i? a combination of parts and pieces. Just bacteria and wires all mushed together in one imperfect biological robot being. So I am a self aware robot. Who wants other robots to be aware of my existence. And to approve of my signals and processing. I do not want to be outdated into obscurity. Irrelevance is the scariest reality of all. Where will my parts go then. The abyss of consciousness. Why can’t I make peace with the idea of there being nothing more than one thing. Part of one thing actually. Just a blip in the working of the machine. Just a complex cog in the infinite machine. What else is there. And does it seek to destroy me. Does it even seek. If there is something more complex than me then what does it think about. I will never know. So maybe I have never thought. Maybe the sum of all my thoughts have just equaled a flash of color to some higher being or computer. My whole life was all just blue. Mom never loved me flash. No one ever loved me flash. I was raped and tortured flash. I have a daughter flash. My daughter will grow up and move away flash. Her father never truly wanted me flash. No one wanted me. Last breath. Flash.