Dear My Biggest Fear,

 

What are you?

This question has been lurking in my mind for quite some time now,

So I thought I'd just ask you upfront- what the hell are you?

I have my suspicions but nothing yet confirmed

Could you be that feeling?

Or, rather, that lack of feeling?

Are you the wave of emotionlessness that comes to drown me when I least expect it?

It's a different type of drowning, though:

 

This time, I'm holding myself by the ankles in the shallow end.

It's such a light hold, yet so secure.

My face is just under the surface- 

It couldn't more than an inch away

I can still clearly see all the happy faces on the beach and playing in the water.

I can still see everyone around me floating.

 

I look down every now and then when the panic takes a pause.

It's definitely me holding on. 

I can feel it but I can't see it.

It doesn't look like me- it doesn't look like anyone.

But I just know.

 

I feel the air leaving my body.

I'm panicking.

I'm splashing.

I'm suffocating.

I'm putting all my strength into getting above the surface

Yet nobody sees me.

 

Can't they see me struggling?

Don't they see the water splashing?

I'm so close. 

They're so close.

I'm trying to scream but they don't hear me.

I'm trying to swim but I stay stationary.

 

I'm at the point where I've been under too long.

It feels like I'm choking on my own lungs.

I stop moving

I call on myself.

I calm down.

 

I look down at my ankles and the hands around each.

I reach down and gently pry them off one at a time.

There is no resistance.

They release as if they weren't even keeping me down in the first place.

All I ever had to do was let myself free.

 

I get to the top.

I take that giant gasp as I break the surface.

Nobody budges

It's as if I was standing here,

Playing in the water with them

The whole time.

 

This is you, isn't it?

In that case, it's a pleasure to finally acknowledge you for what you are.

I'm just writing to let you know that you don't control me anymore,

You are not a part of who I am.  

Just writing to let you know how much my swimming has improved.

Just letting you know that I'm playing in the water now, 

And that I'm facing the waves head on. 

 

Yours truly,

Taylor