My mind keeps replaying the mornings when i'd wake up with you on my mind.

 

2 hours away

getting ready, to look good--for you

getting butterflies in my stomach

playing scenarios in my head that seemed like they were bound to happen

 

1 hour away

reading your vague, yet emoji filled text--

fake texts.

empty messages.

the "right things to say" that i was so aware of too, yet chose to ignore

 

30 min away

getting in the car and pulling out of the driveway and texting you I'm on my way

 

27 min away

receiving the "hurry up, i miss you" text and

feeling my heart leap at the thought,

yet drop when the voice in my head reminds me of your facade.

 

20 min away

on lagrange near that little pub and grill

thinking of what we'd do today

thinking of how i'd feel

thinking of how this should be

thinking of what this could turn into

thinking that this is what couples do,

yet a boyfriend shouldn't treat his girlfriend like this

 

15 min away

I'd be on lagrange approaching 95th street

 

13 minutes away knowing exactly how far away from your driveway i am because it was probably the 22nd time I've been there.

I'd pass the town homes on the right and think the same things each time because this was the new routine.

 

Pass the walgreens--

7 minutes away

continue driving,

anticipating how great this day would be,

letting my mind wander into false realities,

falseness and fantasies of you looking at me while I'm doing the smallest things like driving or laughing.

imaginary images of you looking at me like I'm everything you've ever wanted.

 

pass the interstate--5 min away

adrenaline filled anticipation flooding my bloodstream

dopamine being released in great numbers in my head making me feel on cloud nine,

yet being reminded that i'll soon crash,

but i just shrug this to the background

 

3 min away

at the light of 95th and ridgeland in the left hand lane,

pulling down the sun visor and dragging my bag to front seat to fix my makeup and spray the hollister scent you always complimented me on,

all while turning the wheel and hitting the gas and brake in perfect harmony

 

2 min away

approaching 91st street, where 12 houses down to the right you would be waiting

I can feel my stomach tie in knots

 

1 min away

excited.

anxious.

scared.

 

0 min away

pulling up into your driveway

letting myself into your house

opening the door,

just to find myself standing alone

 

non-existent

 

a flood crashing in,

breaking down your existence

carrying me out of this hole i threw myself in and propelling me indefinitely away

changing me.

healing me.

forcing me to move on.

watering me so i can grow.