i'm alive

i guess

 

there is no specific reasoning i can attribute to the feelings i am made to feel

my mind wrapped in the bushel of nonsense that are "boy problems" and stress

those two don't work together

it is the first time in my life i am afraid i might not finish the one continuation,

the one normality i have had since i was only 24 months old

or

something like that

 

i have the genuine terrification in my mind of losing my own mind

i feel i cannot see myself living anymore

i used to be able to picture myself as a teenager all beautiful and skinny and saw my future and

the hopes i had to reach it i had the 

glowing light

spark in my eyes

 the glimmer of a honey-like color spilling out from the desires

i had and the wishs i knew i could have but for only time was my enemy.

time

is my enemy. 

i can no longer remember what i desired most as a young one, just

that i wanted to help "save the world",

or whatever the fuck that means anymore. 

i can no longer see that spark,

the glimmer that kept me going through the dark slumbers of days 

swishing around in my mind that i cannot recall because it was all a blur

ever since i was in elementary school

it was all a blur since then!

 

i have forced the blockade to arise against the tormented mind that was i in the seventh grade.

i cannot recall the time anymore

 

i've lost my mind now haven't i?

i've reached a figment of my existence where it might truly be the end it might be the time

it might be the time,

but what if it isn't?

 

i fear death more than i fear life but i fear most the day my mind decides

death is no longer a fantasy it is a reality and it is okay.

i fear the day i am okay with having a time to where it all ends

a deadlines i can once again struggle to meet because oh right,

i procrastinate

 

and what if it comes to where i procrastinate so much i can never reach the point of return, where

i officially die never knowing what would have happened if i had just done it on time.

 

i believe i have a good taste in music

but the moment someday some person makes their entry way into

my life as it may be and says it's just okay,

i go home and i cry the most biting tears of my life and just for a comment on an opinion?

just to show i cannot handle the judgement upon myself?

i go home and i cry and i begin to think of all i regret and the one biggest thought i have

is the one about death

 

death is my biggest fear but what aspect? but that of it no longer being the reason for me to live

it is the day i am okay i fear the day i am okay

i fear the day it will all be okay because what if it's not

 

what if i grow up and it;s not okay. just today i tried to imagine

my life without the people around me

my life without those i've known since out of the womb

my life without my family.

how could i outlive them?

 

how could Death and all his friends come and take the people who mtter most in my life

who have everything to live for before even glancing at the one begging for it since age 13?

how cruel

is it, even for a configuration of Death, how could a life so promising, even if toward

the end be taken away before someone who is unappreciative's is?

how cruel

even for Death

 

and as i conclude, i don't know how

i rush to get finished with my work that it never really gets finished

so i don't end up at a conclusion

i end more lost than i began and maybe it is the same for you and i

 

or maybe it's just me alone

i am alive but at what cost?

to be a privileged person with everything she could ever desire how could i long for a life better than the one i was given?

how could i, be underloving of a life with two parents, a sibling, and the best group of people surronding

my life that could ever be asked for yet i complain

yet i cannot simply talk to any ne of them of the problems i face myself and the fears

i have for those around me because i am afraid to be misunderstood

judgement is more important than acceptance and i only know how to judge

why do i judge

after being grown up with the fact that no one can really judge you except God himself

i would call myself a very religious person

i guess

but i;ve missed church about three times in the last set of weeks just for another hour in bed

never have i ever done that earlier

i astray from my main topic of concern because i don't fucking know how to stay on track but,

recall i fear living the life i am given and yet, now, for the time being, i fear Death more than his 

enemy Life.

the day the fact above changes i create a paradox of being okay with the reality that i will not in fact,

shockingly,

be okay

 

so i tell you now,

i've got nothing

i don't have a conclusion yet, but i hope it's gonna be good

because though i say it, with hesitation,

i am alive

how long will it be before i befriend the enemy of the life i live

and walk hand to hand into a beautiful kingdom

of corpses.

but to be fair, recall,

 

i am alive

i guess.