I tell my therapist I think I am incapable of love

At least not with someone who will love me back

And maybe I learned it from my mother

Or the father who couldn’t love me even if he wanted to

And I don’t blame you

Or any of them

 

I fell in love for the first time with my best friend

Ginger hair, dangerous smile, and hands that I could not stop imagining on mine.

But he never saw me for who I was

Never gave me the chance to show him

The closer I got the farther he ran

And now he is just a memory.

 

The second time I fell in love was the lifeguard at camp

The first time a kiss actually gave me butterflies

And let me tell you

That shit was scary

And I would have done so many more scary things if he had asked me to

Because those blue eyes were magic

And that laugh was a spell

And when he broke my heart

Every moment was a curse

 

So the last time I fell in love was with a ghost

A man who didn’t know who he was and wasn’t ready for anyone to tell him

A man who slept with me if only to stay warm

But I wasn’t enough for winter.

 

You see every man I have ever loved could not convince their hearts to love me in return

And how could I blame them?

I couldn’t even convince my own

And I cannot fathom how any heart could love

without convincing.

 

So I am trying to convince myself that someone can love me

With no catch

And no consequence

And no ulterior motives

But I can’t

And my therapist says we need to work on it

But can’t she see

I’m trying