I have been thinking about you constantly. My mind jumps from place to place, but it inevitably finds it way to the thought of the gentle curve of your smile or the narrow bridge of your nose. My thoughts leap from idea to idea, but they inevitably find their way to the idea of your rosy cheeks or loud laugh.
Do you remember the day we first met? It was New Year's Eve, 1981. You stood out in your sequins, and I was a little drunk from all the Heineken I drank. You looked beautiful, and I knew I had to talk to you. But every time I walked up to you, you would turn away in disgust. I understood; another drunk guy hitting on you was just the norm. I kept trying all night, until finally you looked at me with a blank expression: “Do you want to go for a walk?”
And that's what we did. We walked for miles and miles, I swear, but you always laughed and said, “It was only half of a mile, silly.” I still think it was the farthest I have ever walked, but I loved every minute of it.
For a while, we walked in silence, but you broke the quiet with your thoughts out loud.
“Do you ever feel we exist simply for nothing?”
I mulled over the idea for a minute. I was a little buzzed, but I shrugged.
“Depends on your idea of nothing, I guess.”
And you looked at me with pain in your eyes, and I looked at you wishing I could fix you, even if you did not want anyone to come to you with a toolbox.
My darling, it has been a year today since you passed away. I miss you every single day, more and more, if that's even possible. I wish that maybe, just maybe, I could have been the reason you didn't take your life.
But I wasn't.
Your darling(poems go here)