Letters My Family Should Have Written Me
From Your Father:
I was not raised to be what you need.
I will never love you
And I left to spare you that pain.
I was never ready to be your father,
And so I chose to never be one to you.
When you’re eight years old
You will try contacting me but
I will never respond
I’ll crush your heart and you’ll cry so hard
The thunder will be envious of your booming lungs
But I will toughen you up
I will teach you to fend for yourself.
Every father’s day your heart will grow heavy
And your fists will clench
But I will teach you to appreciate those
Who have chosen to be present in your life
Because everyone who stays
Is a better and stronger man than I.
When you’re 18 years old
The guilt will have gotten to me
And I’ll ask your mother if I can see you graduate
But you will say no
Because you’re too smart and too strong
And you’ll have outgrown me
And that’s probably for the best.
This is my blessing to you
From Your Mother:
I don’t know how to love anyone except myself
And I am not going to love you the right way.
Even though it may bring you pain
And taint the very blood in your veins
I still chose to stay and to try and
I am still here and I will still hold your hand
Things will be hard and some nights
We will be bitter
Our house will always be cold and vacant
But when you are 12 years old
A man will come and thaw all the ice.
He will heat our whole home and
He will love you and
He will teach me how to love you better.
When you are 14 I will bury that man
In our basement, slit his throat and throw him out
Maybe I’ll be sorry
But you will stand up, shake the dust off your knees
And pretend to still love me
And I will do the same –
I will show you how to pretend so hard your skull cracks
I will always put my happiness before yours
I will never notice when you’re aching
But I will show you how to help yourself
I will feed your ambitions, motivate you to be successful
Because you’ll never want to end up like me
God, please don’t ever end up like me.
This is my blessing to you
From Your Grandfather:
I will never be a father to you,
But I will be a grandfather
I will ease your pitiful cries
With sweets and jokes and car rides
I will brush away your tears
And seal all your bleeding wounds
With kisses
I will place the world in your calloused palms
Tuck stars behind your ears
And still I will feel like it isn’t good enough
I could give you the sky and the sea
And the sun and the constellations
But I don’t know if any of that
Would be able to light up the darkness
Because the one thing you need
I cannot give you
I cannot rewrite the past and
I cannot change your father’s mind and
I cannot teach your mother to love
But oh God I will try
I can show you how to throw back your head
And laugh until your stomach aches
I can show you how beautiful the world really is
I can show you how to be strong
I can show you how to see shapes in the clouds
And how to breathe lullabies into your desperate lungs
I can teach you how to scream back at the thunder
And how to live with your heart on your sleeve,
Despite all the times someone took it
And threw it away.
This is my blessing to you
From Your Grandmother:
I love you unconditionally,
More than my own life
I will show you how to inhale the ocean
Without pouring salt into your wounds
I will show you God
Because maybe then you’ll have someone to look up to
But by the time you’re 13
I’ll realize the only person you look up to is me
And I’ll try to pretend that’s good enough,
I’ll try to be good enough
When you’re 16 I will see you cry for the first time
Because you’re finally fed up with your mother
And you’re finally tired of doing everything on your own
Because even though I was always there for you,
I was never prepared for you and your burdens
But trust me when I say
You do not have to do everything on your own
I am always here and I will always try my best
And even if I don’t know what to do
I still care and you’re still important to me
And I hope that maybe that’s good enough.
This is my blessing to you