Jovial
At what point does being happy hurt?
Is it when the corners of my mouth start to twitch,
Having sustained my smile for two hours straight?
Or when tears are streaming down my eyes,
Blurring my vision so all I hear is chuckling?
Maybe it’s that moment when I turn inside out,
My chest splitting from a mix of laughter and belonging?
Could happiness hurt when I have friends
Sitting near me
And we’re all playing cards
And laughing at someone’s bad luck
Or when we’re talking
Chuckling at something that one of us
Said last week
Or when we’re listening
To that particular comedian
For the ump-teenth time
Maybe an inside joke
Like a locked safe
But the password unlocks
Memories
Instead of diamonds.
I think the answer
To that question is no
Happiness doesn’t hurt when
I have friends around me.
Though
I know
Happiness does hurt
When the corners of my mouth start to twitch
Having buckled under the stress of a fake smile
Or when tears are streaming down my eyes
Because I’m finally alone and allowed to feel defeated
Maybe it’s that moment when I turn inside out
Because I want to say something serious to you
But you won’t listen
And you don’t want to listen
Because you said
You promised
That you just wanted me to be happy
So, to answer your question:
Yes
Smiles hurt, because I bite back words when I clench my teeth
Laughing hurts, because the only real part disappears when I wipe my eyes
Happiness hurts, because that’s all you seem to want from me