I used to never be able to fathom

The confidence it took to stand

Bare and open

I refused

rides home

to prove to myself that I could walk alone in the dark,

Yet

still, I clasped my keys

between my fingers

like a pair of brass knuckles

hoped they’d give me the momentum

to beat down shivers,

little mountain climbers

that made their way up my icicle spine

upon the rattle of leaves under my own feet.

I wish I could change the day

I lost credence in myself.

The first time I was called annoying

Air stopped in my chest and it was caught

My throat tightened up

Anything I was going to say tangled with my breath

My eyes were glued to the floor

And I was 11,

When this insurmountable heartache

overtook me

Weighed me down

Sank me to the very depths of Mariana’s Trench

Enshrouded in pitch black darkness

Where I drowned.

I began to wonder,

If everything I said was just “too much”

Whether if what I said or did

Would bother people.

It seemed right

Living with this hellish fear.

I would change this day

because I started to attach importance to something

Unworthy of my time.

Now

There is still a part in me that’s scared

And not sure

Of what to say.

Now

I’ve grown this part in me

Blossomed into this truth

My only grounding being that

“I am annoying”

Except, I am many things

Like that I am beautiful

Even though my laugh sounds like seagulls.

I am trying my best

Not to slip

Back into old habits

But it’s hard

This time of year

When the roads get icy

And I am constantly

Going

Uphill.