'I'm Fine'

Dear Mother,

 

You ask if I’m alright, always expecting a simple ‘I’m alright’, or ‘I’m fine’.

And that’s what you get, because that’s what you expect and I know that so it’s okay.

Because you don’t really seem to care what’s going on in my head.

And I’m not saying you’re a bad mother, not at all, because I love you. I really do.

But it’s hard sometimes because I can tell you don’t really care.

I can tell that I’m just a hassle when you ask me if I’m alright - can tell that you don’t really want to know. You just wanted to ask because that’s what a good mother does, and while you’re not a bad one you’re not a perfect one either.

 

The truth is, I’m tired, mom.

Not just physically, but emotionally.

I know I don’t sleep enough.

I know that I have a hard time keeping track of things - and I don’t mean to do everything last minute.

The truth is I have a hard time remembering to do certain things,

I’m not sure myself the reason why,

Just that I always have to deal with things it seems

And I never remember what all that entails.

I know you get mad at me for forgetting things,

But you also know that I have to write things down so I don’t forget,

But sometimes I lose those notes

It would be helpful if you just started reminding me

Instead of doing it for me or just scream at me because I forgot.

 

I forget a lot of things these days.

 

I forget that I don’t have a lot of time left at home

And that soon you’re going to be home alone while I’m off to college.

I forget times I have to go to work,

And sometimes I have to call in to make sure I’m coming in on time.

I forget to bring coffee cups and bowls downstairs,

And although I bring them down it’s usually the day after I’ve brought it up.

And I know that upsets you.

 

I know that.

 

And I love you to death.

 

But you need to remember that I’m tired.

 

That I don’t always remember things and

There are times where I just want to go to sleep,

A lot of times I don’t just want to go to sleep.

There are times that what I really want

Comes out as broken skin on thighs leaving scars that may never go away.

There  are times where I

Seriously consider taking that option - wonder whether or not it’s worth it.


Everyone keeps saying that

I have so much left to live for

That

I have such a bright future ahead of me

I’m so bright

I’m so nice

I’m so pretty

I’m so...everything

 

But I’m not.

And I don’t see why people are

Looking out for me.

 

I’m not really worth that.

 

And these are the things I don’t tell you

And the reason when you ask me if I’m alright

And why I just say “I’m fine’

 

Because no one wants to hear about that

And I’d much prefer to keep those thoughts

In my head

Where they belong.

 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Samyie

Beautiful

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741