My brother used your name in his paintings

I wondered why he would

You chose to not exist, years before we were born

I see the candle flickering and my fingers dance with the flame

Mama chastises me—it’s in memory of my father, she says

I wondered why she was so sad

I think about who you might have been to me

All the time

I wonder why I care so much

Had you not seen the expansiveness of life?

Did you forget the son and daughters pulling at your sleeves?

Were their gentle, pleading tugs not enough to keep you in this world?

You fell into another one, willingly

I look out on the lake, the one that held your body and took your breath

It is nighttime and the lapping water spreads out before me

Its borders blend into the landscape, making the darkness seem infinite  

And I can start to understand why you didn’t just turn around

I see the pang of recognition in my mother’s eyes

She tosses the hurriedly-picked flowers onto the surface

Almost an afterthought for who has long been gone but for that which still lingers

I clasp my hands around hers, as we walk into the halo of the street lights