I never imagined
That this thing—
Which had once terrified me
And I had even turned down before—
Could become such a fixture in my life,
That after my addiction began,
Its very absence
Would cause me pain
As if a physical part of me
Had been severed from my being.

I never imagined
That the absence of such a thing
And all other things which came along with it,
Would make me feel so lost,
And so helpless,
And counting the days
‘Til we may be reunited.

I never imagined
That being reunited with this thing,
The object of my addiction, would cause such a beautiful,
Yet surprisingly fleeting,
Moment of joy;
Then the inevitable, deprived feeling
Would fill me again
Almost immediately.

I never imagined
The realization that
What I had thought,
Was not so,
That I was, indeed,
Addicted to the act itself
And not the part
That my mind had originally associated with it,
And which I had falsely assumed
Was the target of my blatant obsession.

I never imagined
That the familiar joy I felt,
When indulging in my addiction,
Could be so overshadowed
By a new kind of elation
That was so different
Than my previous moments of stolen bliss.

I never imagined
That I could fall in love
With such a beast.
Which was wrong in many ways,
But, in my own eyes,
Was a perfect gift
Which God had blessed me with.

From my very first ride
Astride the back of a borrowed horse,
To my introduction to a new horse,
Whom I could never own,
Only borrow,
But would still fall in love with
And falsely assume the focus of my new addiction,
To the moment I came face to face
With my new therapist,
My new best friend,
The very first horse
I could call my very own,
And I realized
That he would always love me
No matter what may come;
I never could have imagined
That I would change
From a terrified little girl,
Afraid of riding the calmest horse I’d ever met
And scared of going faster than a walk,
To a young woman,
A cowgirl at heart,
Riding her own spoiled, rearing, unpredictable horse
And working as hard as possible,
Pushing him to go faster,
No matter how many times
She had to peel herself off the ground
Or massage sore muscles.

Turns out
Life can’t always be predicted.
No one knows what will happen
Or exactly when.
But I’ve found,
Even in my short few years,
That instead of life being
Everything I expected,
I rather hear myself saying,
While looking back upon my life,
“I never imagined.”