I Hope
I hope
I hope
I hope
That someday
I will not be afraid
No
I hope
That I will be afraid but able
Able to do it anyway
I hope that I will be enough of myself
That I don’t have to care
That I will be enough of myself
To care
That I will be enough
Just me
To tell the world
What I feel
Without fear
Without fear of fear
I hope
That I will
Tell them
That I will
Tell all
That I will
Be okay with
Not telling
I hope that they will not scream
Or hurt
Or disown
Or disappoint their way into my eyes
I hope
That they will
And that I will be okay anyway
Okay anyway
Okay
Anyway
I hope that one day
I will not be afraid
Of being afraid
Why not now
Somehow
It doesn't seem safe.
To tell your family who you love?
Is not safe.
I am dependent
Disownment
College tuition
And I am afraid
Of what they will say
Of what their eyes will
Do
Of you
I am afraid
They will not want me
Anymore
If they ever did
Of course they did
But I am afraid that they will not want me
To be theirs
Anymore
Nope
Not ours
Not her
Not that -
Not
What.
Not ours.
No
What
What? Nothing.
Fine.
I am typing and it's loud and bloody but they cannot hear the words only the
Clickity pat flackidy
And they do not know
They may never know
That I sit here
In a well of anxiety
And fear
That I am here and I am hurting
What does it matter?
They are annoyed with my typing, perhaps.
That’s funny.
That they are annoyed with my writing.
When they do not know what it is I say
To no one.
Is it saying if no one hears?
Ah
That is the magic of writing.
I am writing
I am waiting
Waiting for what?
Perhaps
I should not use
Such a loud
Keyboard
But they are all this way.
All day
I’ve been taking my pulse
And that sounds like a beginning
But it is
An end.