The hurricane came into my life

Just a year and a half ago

Beautiful and full of life from the outside perspective

But once you let me in I discovered,

I was trapped inside a whirling ball of destruction

 

Your depression sucked me in, and sucked me dry

It was a burden that only I bore

“Such a fun-loving boy...  joyful spirit taken so young”

Were the words written on your funeral cards,

But how could everyone see it so wrong

 

While we dated, I kept you stable like a full time job

The toll on myself was immense

Until the day I dropped your load

I broke your heart, and sparked the storm

That shot the darkness that secretly consumed you out into the light

 

Now that you knew how it felt

To have someone else share your burden

You couldn’t let me go, so you attempted it twice

You knew I couldn’t let you hurt yourself

So you manipulated me, put all hope in me

Which no human can flawlessly uphold

 

For the first time- glimpses of the real you showed through

And people threw the blame at me

“Give him some space!” “You’re making him crazy!”

But it was withdrawal from my support that sparked it

The more I withdrew, the more you floundered

So I begged for help from the others

 

“He’s a pussy” they’d cruelly tease, after getting you wasted

“People handle break ups differently” your parents coolly replied

Then you’d stumbled back again, as blood poured down your wrists

And tears drained down your face, slurring:

 “Please help you’re the only one who cares”

 

So on my own again, I picked you back up

and soothed your swollen red eyes

And went back into the pattern of day in and day out

Struggling to keep you alive

 

Finally one day I heeded their words

did something for myself, and went out on a date

And in this split second of relief, my apprehension was forgotten

My burden was pushed back in my mind

But I was simply in the eye of the storm

 

On Monday as I took my seat,

I caught a glimpse of your frantic expression

You whispered harsh words then ran towards the door

I could never have known this was the last time I would see you

 

“Your friend is dead…” Mr. Wilson closed the office door

All I saw was your picture on the screen behind him

Months of walking on eggshells

Months of crying for help and being ignored

Months of enduring abuse from every angle,

Staying strong for you but tearing myself to shreds in the process

One mistake. 

And it was all for nothing.

 

If the guilt and despair wasn’t already enough

All our “friends” not-so-secretly blamed me

Dirty looks and insensitive words

Crushed and left me completely and utterly alone

My only comfort came from my new friends Jim and Jack
 

I struggled with blame, regret, desolation

How could you not blame yourself when everyone around you does?

If only they knew the truth of it all

But who could degrade a dead boys’ name

 

As horrible as they were, I knew they were aching

Their anger towards me was how they coped

So though I cried myself to sleep night after night

I never lashed out - kept all pain to myself,

Encouraging words were all that I spoke

 

So this was my life

Persistently caring for old “friends,” who took but never gave

Unable to look your mother in the face or step onto school grounds

Because the memories were too harsh to handle

Choices turned to regrets that will affect my life forever

My mind lived in a constant state of chaos, battling the will to live myself

But showing false strength for the others whose lives were also destroyed

No 17 year old should ever have to take a loaded gun from a drunken boys hands to prevent him from killing himself out of guilt

Though I was spinning out of control, as I watched my life slip through my hands

I refused to put this burden on anyone the way you placed it on me

 

And so I became the master of faking a smile and holding my liquor

 

You consumed me in life and devastated me in death

Now 14 months later, it’s a miracle but I’m here

I’ve rediscovered happiness

Not to say they’re all good days

Some regrets I have I will never forget but I’ve forgiven myself at least

I’ve said goodbye to Jim and Jack

And forgiven those who haven’t asked

But though my life was turned upside down and backwards,

you did give me one thing,

A new kind of understanding, patience, keenness  

You have tainted the way I view people

I think twice before I act, because who knows the turmoil someone could be battling with every day

I’ll continue to be strong, and continue to be kind

But I will never again be manipulated and withered away into nothing

The way you did to me