I fear being in the wrong

Me, on the other end of the spectrum 

 And i do not do wrong very well

Unadulterated anger

and bitterness coursing

shamelessly through my veins

Fighting each other for dominance.

Totally disregarding their

 negative toll

 on my thinking

''They can't can't hurt me"

was my repetitive anthem to myself

 when well-meaning people unapolopetically

slap me in the face the hard truth

about me.

In denial to the truth,

I'd build a fortress of lies and imagination

in my thinking machine

to combat the truth and to protect my obstinate heart

Scenes after scenes , I'd play in my thinking machine

 where i'd have  the upper hand to offend them

and feel good about it.

It replaces my carved out ego they took when they told me the truth

Intact and unbothered.

it hits me sometimes

that beyond a doubt, they a right

I resort to anger

widely opened, my heart  welcomes its intrusive ways.

He jabbs a spear sluggishly

at my heart

It hurts and hurts and hurts

I'm on the brink of tears

wait, tears + me ?

an unfit pair it was.

Shoulders laid back

 Head held too high

And tears flushed backward into its pent up ocean in 

me.

Cause this girl had a mission

Had a role to play

an act to  show

Tis, i didn't want to hurt

Didn't want them to see me hurt

Take the bull by its horns?(chuckles)

Why take the bull by its horns 

 when i could ignore it to perfection

Denial is my go to friend;

 

The moment to truth is here,

seated before my middleground

and sandwiched between two tough choices

Two trees- were my option

Either be a dead , fruitless tree

 bare of its glory, very dry and desolate

Or

a fruitful blossoming one

A source of food

and shade for protection.

My choice?

 Tis the  latter

A pact i made with myself

to murder my pain, my bitterness,my anger 

from my negative thinking machine and heart

i opened up my heart

 to my feelings

First time, i ever gave myself the go ahead to be vulnerable

All of it, i allowed myself to feel the hurt

and pain.

Accept and deal  with it

This time i forbade myself from holding 

back the pent tears

I birthed an ocean 

 i mourned greatly  the negative grasp  

my pent up emotions had me bound by

 It let it go

Fully accepting to not fear to be hurt

 and to work daily for the betterment of myself.

 Cause

 i don't wanna be that person

 That person- so self-absorbed

 That person- so unforgiving

That negative person, a harborer of pain, 

a finder of faults and a lover of playing the blame game 

and a victim

 

 I dare to not fear my fears

 i dare to live to the fullest

I dare to spring out my bed

everyday to attack it  with  a sprinkle of enthusiasm

great dosage of  smiles

and bountiful chunks of positivity

 I dare to be something greater than myself

I dare to clean the cobwebs of depression  of my head

I dare to be flawed

refusing the obsession  to be perfect.

I dare to be free.

to love regardless.

 I fear  not to take the bull  of my emotions and actions

by its horns and deal with them in the healthiest way.