I find myself reaching to find my pulse

searching for the steady sign 

that I am still alive 

Fingers pressed down on wrists

digging through the flesh and bones that knit me together

until I find the beat

it speeds up and slows down like a child learning how to ride a bike- unsteady

an unseen puppet master holds my heart in their hands

it becomes a habit

over and over again

pressing down on veins- proving to myself this isn't a dream 

it isn't a joke

im here for a reason 

i check as often and as constant as the chewing of my nails 

I listen to the blood pumping in my ears 

insisting I am alive 

resting my head against your chest in the middle of the night 

I slowly make my way through the maze that holds you in a beautiful mystery 

until I am lulled to sleep to the steady pulse of your veins 

breath becomes one