I don’t want to fade away

I don’t want my poems to become a reflection of my worst days

I don’t want my obituary to say how I was sad

Or give any more attention to my dad

I want to be loved

I want to be remembered for how I loved

For those I loved

I want love to be the stunned headline

At the eve of my death

And I want to be remembered

I want them to remember the way I laughed

The way I smiled when you passed

I want them to know I tried

To know that I really really tried

To be the best version of myself I could be

To be the best friend I could ever be

To be alive

To know that I lived

To not kill myself over spilled youth

I miss you

And I don’t know who that’s directed toward honestly

But maybe it’s myself this time

I miss the innocence of a boy

Younger than his pain

The still of a cool night with tears fresh on my cheek

And I don’t know why I’m crying

Some combination of self pity and loneliness

Perhaps because your parents gave up on you.

Perhaps because love gave up on you

Or perhaps just because you don’t really blame them.

I’m writing you this poem because it hurts because it hurts to say it out loud

Because saying it out loud might kill us both

Because some words are better left unspoken, but I feel like that won’t stop you this time

And I am tired of crying in the car

Alone

So this time read it to yourself.

Read how I lived and died the same way

Sad

Alone

And exceptionally gay

But I’m learning to be ok with that