i

am tired

exhausted

drained 

completely

of being afraid

fear

anxiety

worry

a perpetual chain

locked around my ankles

always holding me back

always reeling me in

always having the upper hand

i swear it always wins. 

do you know

what it is like

to walk step after step

year after year

lifetime after lifetime

with the weight of fear

strapped onto your back

as though it belongs there?

to live two different lives

one in my head

of who i want to be

what i desire to do

where i secretly wish to go

the other life

reality

striking down on my chest

every time i look into a mirror

i'm still too scared.

two thousand and nineteen 

and i decided i could not bear it 

any longer

at this point i'd rather die

than live a life

wondering what if.

at some point 

not ever trying

scares you more

than all the reasons you have to be scared

of actually trying.

i always heard

we regret 

the things we never did

more than the things

we at least gave a shot

and let me tell you

i for one

can certainly not sleep at night. 

so i killed him

(fear)

i made the youtube channel

i applied to the school

i started believing in myself.

i cut off what i knew 

needed to be cut

i went for the things

i knew needed to be went for

i did the things.

i am learning

every 

single

day

how to overcome him

how to disregard him

how to make a life

that doesn't include him

a life that never will

a life

without fear.

-jaylen simpson