i thought i could do it right for once

i thought i was right- for once

but as it turns out

this is always going to be hard

love, in any lifetime, doesn't seem to take to me the way it should

and the vagueness of 'exist' has never been an adequate instruction manual

with such a variety of instincts speaking through my veins,

over and over and over again

i should have it figured out now

this trip should be easy, exploratory

i've done simple at the deepest end of the subsoil

and complicated traveling against currents with a will stronger than my tailfin

i've done packs and solitary

i've chased my babies away from me and fought to keep them safe

and mourned the loss of one in the herd

i've explored the highest reaches of the earth

and i've lived the longest two hours only to be run into glass at 55mph

these things i have done. i can feel it.

and my last test is to be this. human.

it is more work than i had anticipated. 

in this decidedly last leg of my journey i have been doomed

with too many ideas and not enough space

and at the end of this sprint:

if they ask me if i'd like to do it again-test a new hypothesis

i'll think of all the things i could have done and all the blank spaces

and i'll say no.

they'll want me to tell everyone it's because i have no regrets.

but the truth is

it was because all of it was just. too. hard.