The Downfall

5 a.m throwing up in this routine
Thinking to myself I'm only 16
Family screaming in my ears
You can have kids just wait ten years
Then there's you
With your eyes of blue
Telling me everything will work out
Telling me not to stress out
We were only sophmores
Unaware of what the world had in store
And she was only 6 weeks
No wings to fly, no right to speak
I was only sixteen

You told me I was strong
You told me that my choice wasn't wrong
We both knew it wasn't my choice
We both knew we didn't have a voice
Our families words over flowed our minds
Nobody told us we were going to be fine
They all just laid out the simplest line
Solve the problem, and don't worry about time
She was only 6 weeks, I was only sixteen

Depression embraced me
I couldn't accept the loss of my baby
You held me those nights as I cried
But i blamed myself, because of me she died
Eventually my hurt spread to you
Neither of us knew what to do
We learned to cope, we picked a gender
We picked a name, and things got better
but the pain and my heart continued to grow
You coped, you began to let go
I envied your strength and ability to be free
because the memory was still haunting me
I was only sixteen.

We fought for weeks on end
You told me to let go and let my life begin
I blamed you for forgiving so soon
We were over so quick one afternoon
One year and four months over like that
Because I couldn't accept that we couldn't get her back
I hated myself for so long after
I hated the sound of any child's laughter
I hated myself for pushing you away
So i guess, I'm writing this so I can finally say

At 16, I gave my daughter back to god
At 16, my life was more than just odd
I blamed you for letting me do it
I blamed myself for going through with it
I pushed you away because I couldn't take the pain
You walked away because you hated the reign
I don't blame you for leaving
My actions were deceiving
I just want you to know
I've finally let her go
I've accepted where she is
I've let go of all this
I'm no longer in denial
I know this took awhile
But i just want to thank you
for helping me through
Now I'm in glory
But I am so sorry
I don't want you back
Love for you is what I lack
I just wanted to apologize
For hiding behind such a disguise
I know now you were trying to help
So i've given out my final yelp
I'm sorry for being me
But I'm happy that I'm finally free

And to my daughter cute as can be
Please try hard not to blame me
I wasn't ready for all you would endure
I know in ways my intentions were unpure
I love you my angel and all you could be
but please understand, I was only 16


Grant-Grey Porter Hawk Guda

Powerful expression! 

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741