The mirror is my frenemy

Days where I’m feeling like

I wannna toss everything

I have ever eaten into the toilet,

Go to the closet,

Search for every piece of black I own

Mask my flaws from the only

Person who seems to actually notice them…

Me.

 

On days like today,

Where I’m feeling my lil cheerios

Honey, I’m wearing my favorite color

Hair done, nails done

Everything did

Yes, boo

I’m fancy huh

I feel pretty, young, sexy and free

But I ask myself, the question

Why can’t I always feel like this?

 

When the mask of makeup is

Washed away with Clean & Clear

The heels are traded  in for Nikes

For those of you who may not be following,

Hair tied, chilling with no makeup on…

I mean if Drake think it’s sexy, why can’t I?

 

For independent, hard-working colored girls

Some of us are told that we cannot only

Prove to the world and ourselves

That we cannot only survive in the professional world

And in life, but

We must achieved  the paved idea of

“The Perfect Body”

 

Maybe this is just within my family

But something tells me it happens to many of you as well

My family criticized me

Always stated what was wrong with my body

But not once did they

Tell me how to fix the problem

Or stop cooking the same

“You either eat this or don’t eat anything”

In other words: “The food is too damn good to pass up”

Or buying the fast food

Not once take me to a gym and be a workout buddy

 

From this,

I made the greatest mistake and decision of my life

Of dating men who cared a little too much

About what I looked like

Like many that walk among us,

They didn’t care about my personality

Rather, how they could use me

I would say show me off…

But only one out of three

Had money

 

Oh yeah, sidenote:

Don’t ever mess with anyone who never has money

To pay bills or take you out

But always has money for

Cigarettes, video games, going out with his friends and weed.

Honey, he’s never go’n change

And you cannot, will not, change him

It may be cliché

But it’s the honest-God truth

Listen to Mamalaya now,

Baby don’t be no fool

 

I’ll tell you

I used to assimilate that resentment

In their eyes

‘cause I would see how they’d

Look and react to the

Women in the magazines and on the TV screens

 

In order to be what they craved  and fantasized about

I constantly altered myself

To emulate an image

That a computer created

First going from the mids 230s

To the under 200s

Behind this smile,

No one knew how most of it came off

 

Then I started seeing results

And I loved every inch of cellulite that shredded off

Until the reality

Of what I was doing

To my body kicked it

After calling Earl in the privacy

Of my bathroom one day

A burning sensation thrived  in my throat

What was on the floor…

Besides the tool I used… blood

 

Spending a week in the hospital for

Dehydration, exhaustion

Overuse of laxatives

And a torn esophagus,

I couldn’t help but think

Whether achieving what seemed to be the

“Perfect”

Impossible weight

Worth it?

 

I am a person with little

Patience and I wanted

Results.

I was done with sticking straws down my throat

 

I keep my workout routine

With an unhealthy addiction to diet pills

Ten pounds here,

Five pounds here,

70 pounds in total

Yet, I still see that 234 pound girl

When I look in the mirror

It’s not worth it.

Your body is a temple and should respect it

 

Us, women of all colors, races, and creed are

Overworked and we can’t afford to damage

What’s left our bodies

Because if people see us doing it to ourselves

They’ll think it’s okay to destroy your body as well

Know your self-worth

Whatever size or color you are

You gotta work with whatcha got

 

So what if you got a lil junk in ya trunk?

Girl, the dress’ll look better

You got some hips?

Gravity and adulthood puts them there

Appreciate your hourglass

Got big breast?

So what! Just make sure you have the right bra size

Do like your thighs?

It’s called spanks!

You are a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s you baby!

 

On this last note,

Ladies and Gentlemen

Listen up because everyone needs to hear this

Mirrors can be our ultimate enemy

But in reality, it’s ourselves

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Don’t let the incomprehensible, standardized  

Youth obsessed,

Rippin’ and snippin’,

Vanity banner waving,

Too pre-occupied with the number on my scale,

Advertising photo shopped companies,

That’s killing childhoods by,

Tricking young girls and boys into eating disorders

Define you or your body.

 

And this is the Diary of a Queen.