Can You Hear Me Now?

The mask gets hot sometimes

After wearing it for so long, it fogs up

clouds form before my eyes

diluting my presence

After you wear your mask for so long

weeks, months, years

lifetimes

you lose your true self

until all you know is lies

and you’re a caricature of what you once was

Everyone says, “be yourself.”

But how can I when I am judged?

“Wear whatever you want,” they say.

“Except that. And that. Definitely not that.”

I do not know what to do with myself

I am full of self doubt

and secrets

which answers are kept from myself

deliberately

for I don’t want to know

And so I hide my true self inside

when you ask to really see me, I know that you lie

for you don’t really want to know

About how I cry in bed every night

within the darkness that won’t subside

not with candle light

Windows shut, curtains drawn

concealing the playground of scars

upon my skin

About how my smile is mask

protecting me from you

your words hurt me

and when they do I smile brighter

the noose around my neck gets tighter

Your expectations for me

kill me

So I hide behind a mask of competence

and happiness

Just so that you are happy

but what about me?

I’ll tell you what I am not.

I am not perfect

I am not the cardboard cutout the world wants me to be

Teachers, school, grades, college

4.3 GPA

A, B, C, D, F

I am more than the alphabet

for you cannot define me

you won’t find me in the dictionary

What if I don’t want to be seen as a number?

I am more than my letter grade

I am compassion

love

prejudice

vanity

pride

I am sleepless nights

well past midnight

I am the sweet aroma of coffee on a lazy Sunday morning

I am my mother’s quiet mourning