Can I Commit?

A fear of commitment has shadowed me for many years.

Not necessarily a fear of making commitments,

but a fear of my own ability to follow through on them.

I get invested in things very easily: relationships, big plans, activities on a large scale.

But then I quickly become bored, or want to move on to something new,

and it makes me wonder.

Will I ever be able to truly commit to something really important?

I make a new friend, and I get involved in his or her life.

We talk and tell stories and have a great time, and he or she is my very best friend.

For a few weeks.

Then we run out of things to talk about, or I meet a new friend, and I find myself drifting.

I'd rather talk to my new friend than my older friend.

I try to maintain both friendships, but gradually the new friend takes precedence.

Then the cycle repeats.

Will I be able to commit myself to just one person someday?

Will I find someone I want to be best friends with for the rest of my life?

How could that be when I can't stay committed to friendships now?

I have big plans for the future.

I will study hard in school and become a counselor.

I want to help make things better for others.

But counseling seems like a difficult job, and it will not be easy to become a counselor.

Can I actually do it?

Can I overcome my laziness and fear of the unknown so I can improve myself?

Or is it too hard? If it is too hard, I may quit.

But I don't want to be a quitter.

What am I going to do?

Someday I wish to have a family, and raise children.

I know it won't be easy, but I think I can do it.

On the other hand...

How can I possibly take care of a child?

I've never raised one before, I don't know how.

My lack of knowledge scares me. Can I really commit?

What if I fail my child? I don't want to ruin his or her life.

I don't know how to comfort a crying baby, I can't solve every heartache a child will know.

I want to be a good parent someday, I think I may have it in me.

But what if...? There's always a what if.