Breathe in, Breathe out

Breathe in.

It's two steps forward and three million steps back it feels like.

Just when I think I'm alright, something like a smell or an uncomfortable feeling bashes me over the head with its malice.

One thing alone can collapse and halt an entire day.

It used to be "what am I doing wrong, why is he mad, why can't he just love me?"

It used to be starving and burning my hair and sweating too much and hiding things from everyone I loved.

I didn't realise that what was happening was not my fault, I felt like I deserved to be treated like that.

Because to me, I was lower than dirt, and that's how it felt.

"Because I love you" was threatening and manipulative and I hated hearing it with every fibre of my being.

Breathe out.

It's been three years and four billion steps forward; steps back are minimal and fixable.

Things only go wrong whenever I'm caught off guard or when I'm not expecting them to latch onto my brain.

Now it's "what did I do so right, why does he make me laugh so hard, why won't he ever stop loving me?"

It's a healthy life and thick curls and dancing to bad music and sharing everything, everywhere, constantly.

It has taken far too long for me to realise that I, along with the rest of the human race, deserve goodness.

Now, I feel like I am worth the time of someone who is willing to give me time and reassurance and peace.

"Because I love you" is an answer to questions and not something put before a want.

It's comfort and home and safe; it's where I can go and feel no fear.


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