This boy.

He is the epitome of everything I never wanted

Yet I can’t let him go because he took hold

Of something near and dear to me and frankly,

It is essential for my life.

He is the sunrise after a dark and sleepless

Fifteen year period in which I was completely

Stuck, cemented in place only to face my demons

And only to be brought out by the

Boy with bright hair and bright eyes

He is rain after a drought in the way,

The way he says my name, and it

Makes every inch of my body flood with tidal

Waves of him and I just sit back and let

Myself drown in the shallow curve of his mouth and

His presence haunts me when he is gone

And I can feel him linger even after he has already

Left and I know exactly when he is coming          

Back because he carries with him

His own atmosphere entirely and he wears

An oversized t-shirt woven together from cigarette smoke

And the confidence we thought only existed in the

Confined walls of a Hollywood imagination and he is just

A beautiful person with a whole lot of problems

That are more than just skin deep

And maybe I was crazy to think that maybe,

Just maybe he would be the one to fix me

And when he held me close it felt like

He really was putting my broken pieces back in

The order they belonged in and it was so hard

For me to let him in and see the parts of

Me I had hidden deep and I guess

Me allowing him that closer look of the twisted

And foreign book that is me is what caused him to leave.

 

And now his rain has become a storm that won’t let up

And each step out of my life is a clap of thunder

That causes me to gasp and I choke on my breath and I

Am very certain that once he is completely gone

That he will not be coming back and I am confident that

I will entirely forget how to breathe when I am not

Inhaling the smell of Marlboro reds and I will continue to drown

in everything that is him but this time for all of

the wrong reasons because he won’t pull

me out anymore but instead he is the reason the cold

waves are washing over my fragile body and they

are hollowing me out until I remain only a shell of who I was when

I was with him and if he should ever by chance or by fate return

Or seek me out there will be nothing left of me apart from

Sunken eyes and a wounded soul and my body

Will have faint traces of the burn marks his smoky breath left

In secret places on my skin and the marks that have sunken into my tissue

where his palms grabbed on for stability and

reassurance that night and if  he were to look into my dead eyes

he would be awoken from his state of bliss by the blinding fact

that regardless of how he feels or ever even felt about me,

I love him and I have not loved anyone else and not because I

Don’t want to but because I can’t because he is holding the

Most crucial piece of love and he won’t give it back but the worst

Part about it is, he doesn’t realize I am only half alive because

He decided to twist the knife into my back but forgot

To ever pull it out and so now I am forced into agonizing

Pain day after day while he goes home and washes the blood from his

Hands and washes our sins from his sheets and washes me from his

Life and he watches as I spiral down the drain all because

We were scared of the same things like commitment but now it

Doesn’t matter because I am nothing more than a name for a number

Of a cellphone contact that has been lost in the archives of Apple

Much like a dusty book that sits on the top shelf of the section

At the library that no one even searches and that is all I

Will be anymore and all he will be is the man who murdered me by telling

Me he loved me even when he knew I was foolish enough to believe

It could even be true.