(written 1/25/2015)

there’s always coffee in my veins and

music in my ears because

i can't stand the thought of not having you and

i lay in bed with every care in the world slamming into my brain and

i suffocate because you’re not mine but

this is my fault

it's my fault that you're not mine

i am troubled by my own faults and

my fingers smell like highlighters and ink because i do my homework to get you out of my head

and that sounds so dumb because

people drown the lovers in their hearts with booze and cheap wine while

i use books and paper and cardboard cups full of caffeine

i scream at the top of my lungs in my head every time i

see her talk about you and

she’s always talking about you and

you’re explicitly shown in every one of her posts through

quotes and photos and song clips and slow moving images of couples making love and

i hate you for everything she does even though i

know it's all my fault that i feel this way and i deserve

it

i'm addicted to you like the heart attack i carry in a cup every morning to get me through the day

and it's a poison and a disease and a drug and

it's my espresso

and i need it and i drown my anguish in it and i suffocate every thought of you in it

and i'm blinded by it yet

i can't stop thinking about you because

i am inebriated with the thought of what we once had mixed together with my lattes and yes

i know it is a deadly concoction but it's what i deserve because

we were fire and lightning and tornadoes and houses burning to the ground and the sky crying and

covering the ground and rising above the mountains and flooding the world

we were a global disaster

a passionate catastrophe

a wonderland of dark clouds and earth-shattering thunder and

we could've been more, but

i killed it with my confused lost mind full of

shards of glass from the mirror i broke when i first met you

my stomach hurts and i drink more coffee

my head aches and i drink more coffee

my bones crack and i drink more coffee

you're in my chest and i can't get you out

i keep wanting more of you even though you’re still there

and you never wanted me this bad

you’re just not mine… you’re hers