He was always a sucker for a pretty face

They're always a sucker for a pretty face

He took me to a place and fed me full

of liquor and drugs

He watched as I got sick on myself

He got me a glass of water

He got me a blanket and watched as I fell into a sleep on his couch

While i was dreaming,

He pulled down my pants

He pulled down my underwear

He put himself inside 

He made himself right at home, 

in a place where he was not welcome

I awoke to the smell of vomit and sweat

and a body hovering over mine

I felt the air hit my bare skin

I felt the contents in my stomach rise into my throat

I felt my mouth sew shut

I felt my eyes slam closed

I felt my jaw clench

I felt power leaving my body,

and into his

I felt myself fade into black

He was someone I knew

 

He was my sisters boyfriend.

She was sleeping in the room 20 feet away.

 

 

I woke in the morning in a place of panic

I ran and I screamed

I ran far away from that place

I thought it may have been a nightmare

I thought maybe it had been a hallucination

But my thighs were numbed with nasty truth,

of what had happened last night

I wanted to die, immediatley

I continued to lie to myself and make excuses for the person who did this to me

I reamained silent

I did not let anyone touch me for months

I did not touch myself for months

Washing myself in the shower that day, felt like the violation all over again

It replayed in my mind

Why coulnd't I yell

Why couldn't I move

This was my fault

I can't tell anyone

Because it was my fault

No one will believe me

And no one did believe me

 

 

Years later, I spoke the most difficult words to ever leave my tongue,

to my sister

She didn't believe me

They are still together, today

That was the point in my life I become hardened 

I was aware of the horrors that strangers were capable of

But I was not aware of the horrors your own blood held within

Rage consumed every thought I had

It was the only thing I could think of

My body physically shook 

every night

My face soaking wet

every night

The hatred grew 

every night

Years later and the hatred still lives and breathes deep in my body

Dreaming of the day I have the nerve to take away what he took from me

 

Safety and sanity.