A message comes out of nowhere...

"Hey girl, what are you up to rn?"

Seems perfectly safely unsafe, but I answer anyways.

"Oh, you know, nothing much."

The reply back is instantaneous, as if he was sitting there, staring at his phone for a reply.

"Yea, same here, in the mood for some fun, are you?"

This is the message that I feared to get.

The message that showed he wasn't interested in my soul or mind, he was interested in me playing into his game.

He was interested in me being the physical robot who only wanted anything he wanted.

To want to be wanted so bad I would throw myself upon him as a child on Christmas who got the one gift they wanted.

I answer nothing.

I want my silence to be seen as rejection.

I want my silence to be seen as I am more than something to occasionally want.

Aren't I?

Don't I have reasons to be the girl who isn't only talked to because the guys believe she's so desperate she can't say no?

Just because I'm not an Instagram model, because I don't have the perfect face, the perfect body, the perfect smile.

I want to be someone who is wanted for my soul.

To be wanted for my mind.

To be wanted for me.

But maybe that is too much to ask for.

For I am the one who calls these "men" to me for I am desperate.

Desperate not to feel lonely.

Desperate to have someone I can laugh with, cry with, love with.

But this desperation has been a tale of woe for me, for to everyone else it is looking through the small pin hole of the door to my life.

Where the guys only see the desperation, but not the way I needed satisfied.

For there is only one shade to them, while to me there is the entire rainbow.

They only see the color of lust.

While I see the color loneliness, longing for a filled life.

Is it wrong for me to want this?

I fight myself back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...

Fighting my need to stay whole while I am falling apart like a snowman on a warm spring day.

Fighting the bad with the good.

Fighting the he's the only one who's going to want me.  This is all I'll ever be good for for anyone.  With that of I should be loved.  I want to be the girl the guy can't get off his mind, just because of how I laughed or smiled, not because I turn him on so much he just can't contain it.

 

I just want to be loved for me, not for where me is held.