I know you don’t have all the answers but I have a question as to whether or not it is acceptable to change myself to find love.
I want green eyes. I have had brown eyes for far too long. Which means I have seen the world, or the world has seen me the same for far too long. I look into a lover’s eyes, and see light. I look into a mirror, and see nothing. He left Tuesday for someone with green eyes.
I want to be taller, or shorter, or anything other than the most excruciatingly average height. It is hard to stand out when he never wants to talk. When body language is the only tongue we speak. He speaks tall and I speak normal. Like domestic. Like anything but exotic, nothing different, nothing he can’t find somewhere else. His new boyfriend is as tall as he is.
But his new boyfriend knows how to shrink. Knows how to make himself vanish when he is not wanted. Knows how to disappear until it is 2 in the morning and he sends that “you up” text? Or maybe he never gets that text, because they never have to talk about it, they just know. Because their body language is also telepathic.
Dear Aphrodite, I want to have a body that speaks for itself. The first time he saw me stripped was in the locker room. His fingertips traced over my chest as if to carve me into something he would one day want. He looks at my chest, and calls it “cute”. Well Aphrodite I found texts that call his new boyfriend sexy. One week I came home from school every day and threw up my lunch. I wasn’t sure why but he said beauty is pain and I never argued because he was always right. I wanted a harder stomach because sometimes I can't stomach myself. Maybe if I had his abs, I would be able to.
Dear Aphrodite, I want lighter skin. I’m not entirely sure why, because I know black is beautiful, but sometimes black isn’t beautiful to him. Or maybe it is, just in gradual stages. For 3 months I used only lemon infused facial cleanser with the promise of brightening skin. His new boyfriend is kinda like me, only a few months lighter.
Aphrodite, please call Athena so she can tell me why I try so hard, why I care so much. Aphrodite, you are beauty, what am I doing wrong? Aphrodite there is…there was a time when our hands touched and even the gods started to cry. Now I am replaced with a much better actor and I still wonder if the heavens feel what is between them like when we were together.
I want softer skin. I want his hands to run over my shoulders again. I want shivers from his breath on my neck again. I want him to fall asleep on my stomach again. I imagine his new boyfriend has skin like a baby. Pure, undisturbed, skin. Perfect without care. Aphrodite there was a time when that was me. But his love left scars. Please help me heal.
Aphrodite please, I have learned love is war, but these days I don’t even win battles anymore. Cupid avoids me like a sickness. Or more like a sick joke because he shoots me with the arrows of people meant to break me. I feel my heart turning cold, at least it will be harder to hurt stone.
Aphrodite, I got colored contacts. I changed my hair. I started working out. I have softer skin now. My body started to grow since I started eating better. My nails are stronger. People tell me I am glowing every day. I use black soap because who cares about being lighter. And I can finally say I know every word of body language. But Aphrodite, to this day, I still can’t tell if this is a good thing.