With shaking legs, a racing heart,

lightheadedness, a feeling of having

the entire world crashing down around you,

you take a deep breath

and start speaking.

 

The presentation doesn't go as planned.

You stumbled over your words,

had awkward pauses in between, and felt

like everyone was watching with judgement

clear in their eyes.

You're ashamed of yourself.

 

You know it's all in your head and the

world isn't actually ending.

But you still want to die.

It's not a strong and worrisome feeling,

but it's still there, beacause you're tired

of never being able to speak to people or

make friends or function at all

It's a terrible feeling each and every time.

 

You don't know why it's so hard or

why you were made to be this way, but

you just want this consuming feeling of dread

to go away and leave you alone.

It would be so much easier if you didn't exist.

If you would just die.

 

Even with these thoughts, you know that

you don't actually want to die.

Maybe you just have to become stronger so

you could better deal with these situations.

Maybe.

 

You may find it hard to speak to people

and you may feel ashamed of your entire

existence sometimes. But

at least you have a few people who care.

At least you have a house and clothes and food.

Things get hard and hard and harder,

but all anyone can ever do

is keep living.