according to my tattoo artist

my paper is skin thin my skin is paper thin.

thin skin means more scarring means shitty tattoos.

i am not capable of  holding ink. 

i am not strong enough to hold the veins inside my wrists.

my heart,

takes on too many burdens. heavy pieces of pottery shaped like all american boy hearts and brass anchors.

my lungs are filled with salt water and fire.

i fight to contain it.

but i am not strong.

i am not strong.

i am fighting for survival against  4 am thoughts of 

"why not let myself slip again. go straight to the edge just to see what's there..... i will not be afraid. i swear i will not be afraid."

what i really mean is "i will not let myself die this time"

i am a heavy yet weightless girl with skin like paper.

i am brittle tree limb bones and black ink flowers.

and i confess i am not much...not yet anyway.