At first, I wasn’t going to say anything. I was going to wait it out, let the time and misery pass in silence. But then it occurred to me, when have I ever sat idly by with a broken heart?
I had always bled, felt, expressed everything loudly. Treating paper and pen like it was my own personal news station. This just in: Another sleepless night, another missed call, another caved in chest from the tears.
I decided that I needed to write all of this down. Because one day I’d return, just as I had so many times before, and see just how much I felt all of this.
Right now, I’m much better than I was last week. I’ve been erasing him piece by piece.
I had a scary thought yesterday. That I never want to get so close to another human again. People leave. They decide they love someone else. Or that maybe you’re just not that important anymore.
It hurts. It’s brutal. However, I cannot allow this violence of the heart to stop me from feeling. I will love again. Countless more times.
I will be hurt again. And I will heal again. As many times as I need to.
Although Sartre was right, “Hell is other people” we need them.
The hardest part for me, I think, is to notice how much has changed. I feel almost silly.
These days I’ve passed much like in a trance. Heat, tears, fleeting moments of joy. The pain of remembering.
The time I broke down and went back. I vowed never again. Even if every fiber in my body yearned for his touch.
He broke my heart with his words. His actions I didn’t care so much about. It was the chill of his voice.
The way the things he said drifted coolly and then settled, imprinting themselves into my heart, my soul ached. My mind would not be settled.
I wanted to cry, I thought that would show how much he had hurt me. But nothing came. Tears had escaped me.
I was disappointed, angry with myself. I knew I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to blame him.
I see him and everything in me sinks.
I’m trying to heal, to remove myself completely from him.
I think of him with anyone else and get so dizzy I think I may need to lay down, or take a week off from school, or move away.
I’ve become a graveyard of lost souls, lost loves.
I feel as if I feel too deeply. I don't know how this became another entry about him.
I want so badly to wake up one day and never think of him again.
Last night I thought if I lost my memory it wouldn’t be so bad. A new lease on life.
I’m trying to remind myself that what I’m feeling right now is as precious as jewels. I’ll keep bleeding until this sickness is drained.
Until, like the Spring, I am whole and clean and bright once more.