I’ll Never See Your Face Again

 

I close my eyes and try to remember your face

Every detail

Every shade

The pain swells up as I know

                I will never see that face again.

Yes, I have pictures

Seeing them makes me cry

The one of you

    before I knew you even,

young and curled up with your sister.

                I will never see your face again

It’s been months. I don’t know how many

I didn’t keep track

    on purpose, because I knew that I

couldn’t handle that.

                I’ll never see your face again

The face that I knew from forever

The face that I grew up with

                I’ll never see your face again

Which is weird, and wrong, even though

   you might not have seen MY face even

   when you were still here.

We didn’t know. We don’t know. There’s no

   way to know, and that’s the part that hurts. Did you want to stay longer?

I hope not.

But you couldn’t say. You couldn’t speak, though

   in many ways the connection we had was-

   is-

   greater than any that can be constructed through language.

I’ll never see your face again

I’ll never feel the top of your head

  as you burrow under my chin

       for warmth

             for shelter

                   for a heartbeat

Though I could feel yours through your skin

    that grew thinner.

           You grew thinner. And thinner. Even

the medicine didn’t seem to help.

                I’ll never see your face again

Or smell your breath in the morning

Never become exasperated at one or the

    other thing you do. I wish you could do those things now.

I’ll never again feel your steps, light on my chest.

    Though I could hardly feel them at the end.

                I’ll never see your face again

Nor watch your colors change

    fade to grey

         and white.

                I’ll never see your face again

    Never see you yawn

Jaws stretched so wide.

     Whiskers brush my face.

                I’ll never see your face again

Should I have fought harder?

I said no at first.

But I think that was the selfish thing to do.

                I’ll never see your face again

Never see your eyes blink slowly closed

Or watch your face as you half-sleep

    your ears pricked but eyes closed.

I’ll never see your face again.

I’ll never see the confusion, of

   You walking into a room,

        But not knowing why-

   Why?

I go around in circles on the topic as

You did in your last few months. I don’t

know

       why

                I’ll never see your face again.

But I really hope I do.

 

November 15, 2012

                To Melda Fartous

                                For when you would chase shadows

                                Come when we called

                                And walk on your hind legs