Alone

Am I independent or lonely?

I don’t know

 

Loneliness

A word that has become synonymous with sadness but started out as just being alone

The definition has become burdened with new connotations, instead of staying isolated

Loneliness raised me

 

I can’t remember the first time I experienced loneliness

I can’t remember the most impactful bout of loneliness

They all meld together

 

Maybe the time someone said, “who even is she?”

Maybe the time I sat in the corner at a party, surrounded by “friends”

Maybe the time I sat at home watching people at parties through snapchat

Maybe the time they asked why I didn’t come to the party no one invited me to

 

Maybe the time my brother went to college

Maybe the time he told me he couldn’t see the stars because of light pollution

Maybe the time my brother couldn’t come to my graduation

 

Maybe the time I met my dad’s “coworker” and her son for the first time

Maybe the time my dad left me after telling me he had someone else

Maybe the time my dad told me I couldn’t tell anyone

 

Maybe the time I had to tell my mom I already knew when she broke the news

Maybe the time I had to watch my mom break down about money

Maybe the time my mom told me to ignore the incoming phone calls

Maybe the time my mom told me to lie and tell my dad she wasn’t home

 

Independence comes from loneliness, though

I’ve become independent with a fear of being alone

Isn’t that what an adult is?

 

Fear follows everyone

We learn to deal with it

Loneliness follows everyone

We grow up and we understand the world is not perfect

 

We grow up surrounded by love and loneliness

We have to be lonely to be loved

How do we understand love without experiencing its absence?

We are grown when we come to understand