Why I'll Never Know What Its Is Like To Love
I’ve never imagined myself growing up and getting old
My depression has taken over so much of my mind
It doesn't allow me to see anything past tomorrow
I was 10 the first time i really felt it
Coming home everyday and not wanting to eat or bathe or talk
Just to sleep, to not feel
To escape from everything around me and dream of any place that wasn’t here
I remember the first time you found out about me wanting to leave my physical shell
The look in your eyes knowing you were more mad about hearing it from someone else
Than me actually wanting to escape
How instead of teaching me ways to love myself, you taught me ways to hid
Your words slowly shattering the mirror within me
The biggest piece has always been that 11 year old girl
Begging for years to be let out
To finally heal
You have programmed me to hate girls who look like me
Who have the confidence i so desperately crave
How the happiness of a big girl is sloppy, unflattering, disgusting, ugly
Whatever of myself i have saw in them has become another broken piece in my puzzle
You say that i live to eat instead of eating to live
But my relationship with food is the most loyal one i’ve ever been in
How it is there for me and satisfies me whenever i need it
How it has never let me down
I have lost count of all the times i’ve wanting to let go
How many suicide notes i’ve written
Not wanting to die is hard work
And i am just the lazy mess you always claimed id be
At 12 years old you met my best friend and didn’t even know it
You raised and took care of her in only a way you could
She took my place, and you all enjoyed her with no realization of my absence
And she’s been here ever since
You speak with the shadow of me i left in my wake for your amusement
To be your odd child as you put it
The one who absorbed all of your insults and jokes about who i am
She was braver than i could have ever been
When the dread of middle school had fallen,
I thought high school would be smoother
How nonchalant Alijah made it look
At 13 I was jealous of how easy she flowed through life
How you limited your insults on her because she could take them and bite back
How everything was always about her and her achievements
How for once i wanted to be the one you bragged about
On culmination day i was so excited to finally have both of your attention on me
That even though it was just a simply culmination day
You finally had something to brag about for me
But we couldn’t even get to something as simply as a dinner together without you arguing
I blamed it on myself
Maybe i was asking for to much
Maybe i just wasn’t meant to be the star child
I always thought it was ironic how much love i give out but it never seems to be any left for me
In high school i made friends who matched my shattered soul down to a T
But i could not bring myself to continue to add to their misery
At 14 i found myself being a maternal figure to a 16, 14, and 15 year old
Figuring if i couldn’t help myself than i could help someone else who needed it more than me
I learned so many tricks to repress myself more and more
I have gotten so lost in the fantasy version of me
I can’t even tell whats real anymore
I realize i don’t even want to
In February of 2015 i met the first boy who ever showed real interest in me
Though he had issues, he was the kindest boy id every met
But he told me he loved me and i realized i didn’t feel anything for him
And at 15 i discovered i could never grow genuine feelings for anyone
I am infatuated with humans
But i have never been able to reflect the love i am shown back
How frustrating it is to know that i will never truly love my soulmate
How i don’t receive those genuine emotions of the heart
How i all i can write about is the love i cannot truly give
I became known at school as the girl who was always laughing
Talking and smiling as much as i could
Because my pain was too great to do anything else
Funny how pain works that way
On the day of my 16th birthday party i told you i liked girls
How i had been carrying this burden since i was 11
Not know if my sexuality was a victim of my circumstance
I remember feeling your disgust as you responded
How you were quick to tell everyone
All the jokes that followed
How my sexuality became your punch line
How i’ve never been comfortable with it since
So i held my tongue on telling you i was pansexual
Afraid of becoming more of your freak child, the disgrace
The child who would take anything anyone threw at her
Instead of seeing me as the child with the big heart
I told you i was no longer Christian
And that same feeling of disgust crawl down my spine as you gave your response
How i was never more ashamed of how much i disappoint you
I realized i needed to get away
To go somewhere so i didn’t feel like i was always suffocating
Always drowning in punch lines, fake happiness, and tears
And at 17 Clark Atlanta University was my ticket
I never felt so happy when you called to tell me i got accepted
It was like the weight of everything was finally lifted
I could be thousands of miles away from everything
Away from myself
It was an accident that i discovered my lifestyle
But i’ve never regretted it
It was like i got a chance to reinvent myself
The way i wanted, the way that felt right
I’m never was as happy as i am when i can truly be me
Free of judgement, hate, and fear
I have new meaning in myself
In my mind set, my confidence
I started school and everything fell into place
I felt a freedom from my depression like no other
I was excelling in school, i was doing great things for myself
I found a will to do things i never thought i could
I finally saw my future
The universe was rooting for me
But then i came home for Christmas
I was finally legal and had a genuine relationship with my sister and i was happy
The sound that i heard when your bedroom door flew open
Is a sound that has yet to stop ringing in my ear
The pain in my chest as my anxiety skyrockets whenever i hear a loud noise
Or when something falls on the floor
It’s a pain i would never wish upon anyone else
I thought calling it PTSD would make it too real, too raw
When all i want to do is forget, just like everyone else
But the way my heart violently beats whenever i relive that moment...
Reminds me that my mind will never allow me to forget
Never allows me to heal
And i am back to square one
How can one moment erase 7 years of progress?
7 years of pain, blood, and tears
7 years of healing myself
7 years of glueing all the shard and pieces to my mirror
Funny how pain works that way...isn’t it?