Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a tower with a witch.

No, the witch was not evil- she was just forgetful

She adopted a little girl named Repunzel not out of spite,

But simply because it would be very difficult to raise a child if you can't afford your own damn lettuce.

The little girl grew up safe and loved, because the witch was cool

Only thing was, witch momma forgot other people can't walk through walls

She was reminded like, all the time, but there was still no door in the tower

So Rapunzel learned to climb, like a badass

When she wanted to go outside, she could just put her hair up and scale the stones.

Rapunzel's best friend was the gay prince

Who did NOT like to get his boots dirty

So he had to use her hair to ascend whenever they wanted to hang out.

(Here Rapunzel would like to remind you to stop whitewashing fairytales; she was an ethiopian girl with hair so curly it only went down to her feet)

But the thing is, Prince Charming sometimes forgot to shoot Punzie a text first

And it took Punzie, like, three hours to straighten her hair so it could function as a climbing rope.

So then Rapunzel was irritated and had to go find witch momma to do a flat-iron spell

And witch momma often accidentally turned it purple or green as well as straightening it

Because witch momma was, as mentioned, a little spacey. 

Rapunzel often had to remind the Prince that it was a good thing she was in love with his sister

Because he was a royal pain in the ass.

The End