I bet many people have heard

of the expression:

A candle burning at both ends.

 

I hear it quiet often

at night,

at the ungodly hour

when people are supposed to be in bed,

asleep.

 

'You're going to burn out

at this rate!'

You said

as the clock ticks closer 

to midnight.

 

You say that every time

you catch me doing something 

other than homework.

 

You're right, 

I won't deny it. 

I should be working on 

my homework

instead of doing such

unnessecary things.

 

You asked me why 

I kept doing this.

And I gave you no real answer.

 

The cycle continues,

over and over

and over. 

 

I wonder if you understand

my reasoning.

Do you understand 

what I'm feeling?

Or have you grown up 

and forgotten?

 

School takes up most 

of my time,

especially in this new one.

 

There's no one there 

I can consider a friend.

After all,

I left them behind

just to go to this new school.

Just like you wanted me to.

 

It's not that big of a deal,

that I know, 

because the adult world

will surely be worse.

 

But that doesn't mean

that this doesn't affect me.

That doesn't mean

I don't see it as 

my own problem. 

 

There were times I

tried to find help

to understand lessons, 

to have something distract me,

to have someone who'd listen,

But you weren't the person

that could help me at all.

 

I remember the time

when I felt so terrible that I cried.

It was because you yelled at me.

 

You asked me why I was crying,

but you didn't even give me the chance

to explain.

Just say that crying was weak,

that it will label me as unstable.

 

You compared me to my brothers,

and told me

that after some time alone, 

they would stop being angry or stop crying,

 

But how do you expect me

to stop crying

when you constantly surround me,

bombard me with sayings and questions,

as we walk through Walmart

 

How did you expect me

to stop crying

when I had to cry alone in the public stalls 

and leave not more than 5 minutes later

because of a custodian 

who needed to clean.

 

I remember you told me

in the car

as I sat in the driver seat

to cry every thing out. 

 

But that wasn't even possible for me

because

I never knew how.

 

Even though I cry

my feelings continued to pile up

because I was used to

stopping myself from 

saying how I really felt.

 

I remember your hypocratic sayings.

You told me once

that you wanted me to talk to you 

like I did with my friends.

 

But, not even five minutes later,

you told me that you

were not my friend,

that you were my parents.

 

Despite how sad I felt

during those times,

I had already understood 

everything that you said

and were trying to say.

 

And by knowing,

I'm trapped 

in a constant cycle

of guilt 

and apathy.

 

I had long ago

lost my motivation to 

put 110% into everything I have.

 

And it makes me laugh

when I hear you say:

'I don't want to see you burn out"

 

But, can't you see?

The flame is already gone.