At what point in your life does it become average?

At what point do I get to stop saying, never feel again

"I'm glad I lived to see this"

about things like rain and chili and fresh picked sunflowers?

When does seeing my friends again become an expectation

instead of a possibility that keeps me living through lonely days?

When do I stop hearing that I'm going to leave soon because

I'm too tired, too dirty, too unwanted to keep it together forever?

 

Some people talk like this is a good thing,

like feeling the inevitability of death constantly

makes you want to live in better ways,

makes you less selfish, less fearful, less angry.

 

But it only makes you more who you already were:

the selfish continue to pursue what they want at the cost of others,

the forgiving still bless those who hurt them,

the angry continue to feel out of control and completely focused...

 

and I...

And I...

And I stutter, wasting more of my precious time

trying to explain to soon-forgotten minds,

that I feel like I could die any day,

and the world could continue on its way.

 

I don't want to die, not by my own hand,

Because I've seen too much of the grief that brings.

So I just want y'all to understand,

that living like you're dying

doesn't seem like living at all.

 

Not when you're too anxious and sad to be there.