Dying and trying

crying and supplying

this thing you can not see

this thing haunts you

stalks you

tells you, “I love you”

 

You once knew this beast

You once knew its heartbeat

You once knew how it taught

You once knew how it thought

 

To you this beast is invisible

but to me clearly visible

I try every day not to upset it

But even then I tend to regret it

Sometimes the beast fades away

When it leaves it feels like  forever and a day

but then it returns

 

I'm trying to run

I'm trying to hide

but I can not contain this pain inside

once again invisible

once again insane

once again feeling so much pain

 

I try and i vent

but nothing can prevent

this beast from spewing its hurtful words

its like i'm living two worlds

One world at school

invisible

One world at home

clearly visible

but not in the way I desire

all there is

is hell fire

 

I’ve thought about running away

and away and away

where no one could find me

or hurt me

or love me.

where I'd miss my brothers

and my unrelated sisters

this invisible beast is tearing me apart

it pulls at the strings of my heart

 

Its very best game is manipulation

I feel like i'm the only one in this whole nation

who feels this way

and this beast makes me feel that I have a debt to pay.

 

This beast whispers “You’ll fail, and fall and have nothing at all”

so thats the way i act

as though we have a pact

to stay

till the day

I die

 

This place only feels safe when this beast is gone

but it came out this morning

and now I am mourning

not mourning a lover

but mourning a mother

A woman who I used to call mom