Will I Ever Know


My life was changed by your decision.
And I can't help but wonder if you'd known my face
Would your gun have turned away in disgrace?
Would the butt have become like jelly in your hands?
Would it have made a difference?

This world we live in made you believe that when things get rough You take the easy way out.
And the moment that bullet connected with your beautiful face my life was broken.
Yet, just a few moments before my face was a glowing mess of innocence and happiness.
Because when you're that young
Hearing that you even existed was candy to my lips,
Then 10 seconds later having it ripped from my grasp.
They say you can't miss someone you never knew,
But they don't understand I would give anything to just see your face.
I bet your eyes were as brown and sweet as chocolate
Your smile. I bet your smile could light up the sky.
They have no idea how I lay in bed and wonder,
What is your favorite color?
Do you like to dance in the rain?
What is your favorite book?
Are you afraid of the dark?
You see, these are the questions we take for granted
The questions that we want to ask but think is stupid to ask.
But the answers to these questions mean more to me than you will ever know.

Who made it okay to call suicide a game?
Who made it okay for kids to choke themselves to near death for the thrill?
Who made it okay for a girl to go home and cut her wrists because some Barbie doll girl called her fat?

Tell me.

Who made it okay for a boy to bring a gun to his face because he felt this life was too hard?
Please, I want to know.
I want to know why his life was taken from me before I even knew him.
Tell me why the only memory I have of him is coming face to face with his coffin.
I wonder if your life flashed before your eyes?
Wishing I had been there to make you smile
Is that not what sisters are for?
But what are brothers for?
Spun me around or let me jump on your back?
I wonder if you would have been there to see my first concert.
Shown me how to swim by throwing me in the water?
Take me driving when daddy did not want to let me?
I believe so.
I thought that brothers were the ones to protect you from the evil in the world?
But, it seems there was no one to protect you from the world either.

Will I ever know?
Will I ever hear the sound of your laugh capture me in a warm embrace?
Will I ever know you?


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741