"Why do I always hurt...Why do I hurt...Why do I?"

I repeat this to myself every single time a memory of my past sparks up into my consciousness. A feeling of longing and a feeling of misery. Side by side.

I want to love and let out my longing for you. Yet I believe that you may never understand why. Why it is that I feel the way that I do.The way that I am. 

I cannot explain that easily. And know, that if there were ever a way for me to rip out every ounce of emotion from my being, then I would. I would for you. I would in a heart beat.
But I fear that you're searching for something that I cannot be. Something that I am afraid of being. Something, that if unleashed , I will not be able to contain. I will be lost in the rage of what is man. Rage that will turn into vile lust. And it may cause things that you cannot imagine.
But, You want something that I reuse to give.
You want something that is not me.

There are things in this world that I always consider-your safety is one of them. Your love is another.
But, you may not think that or even know that. Perhaps your mind is telling you that you fell in love with the wrong person. A worthless nobody. But, that is stubborn. It is irrelevant.
I am irrelevant.

Everyone has this over exaggerated ideology that you have to find the love of your life; have children; complete college. All of this before you're out of your prime. I call this bullshit.
But not everyone is capable of doing this. Not everyone is able to bear children.Not everyone is financially ready for college.

But surely all of these 'life milestones' take time to be understood.And I know where I stand.I just don't know where I am going.