I know this euphoria well enough that I've mapped it 

I remember how it feels to be brand new in someone's mind 

And for a newness to move into mine 

I've traced the goose bumps across my skin when I saw them 

I remember asking their last name, swishing it around in my mouth 

To see if it tasted good with Daryal 

I can remember smiling thinking about what they looked like naked 

Dreaming about their penetration 

Fantasies of orgasmic bliss 

How does their sweat taste? 

I know

I know about the anxiousness of possibly meeting a family 

A foreign family to me 

Putting on my best clothes 

Fixing my hair to impress the unknown 

You know, 

This feels all too familiar 

Playing hard to capture 

Hard to sex

But easy to sexualize 

I know how a boy's sheets feel

Grainy, smelling of laundered flowers

Maybe the smell was for me 

But if he knew me 

He would know 

That that smell was not for me 

And if I knew him 

I wouldn't be in his bed 

Smelling those laundered sheets 

Anyway, 

I've felt "love" before 

That uneasy, pinching, stomach turning, queasy, vomiting, tear-stained, screamy, yelly, angry feeling 

It hasn't been all bad 

But when the bad strikes you the good dissipates 

When the bad pushes you the good melts 

When the bad embarrasses you, the good never happened 

See I've seen this before since I was able to confuse lust with 

Love

So please love do not take it personally when I say that I'm 

Frightened of you 

I am running away from you 

I am avoiding everything that has anything to do with you 

I just want to remain whole again 

I am who I was before them 

I am me before detriMEnt 

Please let me be the collage of broken pieces that I've 

Cut myself to put together. 

Please let me be shy and innocent 

Grinning stupidly when the topic of sex is spoken of 

I'm tryna get back to the basics

Before all of this shit got out of control 

Because I've been here before 

But I will never go there again ..