Was it Even Love to You?

To the women who broke my heart,

I hate you...

But I love you...

I hate that I love you still. I wish I was still in your life. I wish I could still call you mine. I wish I could hold you close. I wish we could still be us. I wish I could hear you say, "I love you," one last time. I think about everyday, and the way things use to be. Things were so much simpler then, when it was just you and me. We had so much fun didn't we? Always watching movies, jamming out to country in the car, and eating Panda Express. I think I miss holding your hand and our deep talks the most.

I picked you up when you were down and I tried so hard to change your frown. I still remember that horrible day, when I saw your happiness fade away. No it wasn't for me but for your own spirit. I wouldn't wish what happened to you on my worst enemy. My heart hurt so much when I heard say, "All I want, is to be in your arms and hear you say it'll be ok." It hurt so much because I was 15 hours away. 

Helping you through that was one of the most difficult tasks. I had to put you back together piece by piece. You were at your lowest low and I didn't know what to do. So I did what I always do; I decided to pray with you. One of the biggest compliments you gave me was that I helped you learn how to pray. I gave you my cross and so you know God and I would always be with you. After months of making sure you were doing good, we finally felt like "us" again.

I told you I never wanted to take you away from your passions, but your passions took you all away. You were out of town playing on my birthday. We got into stupid petty arguments and I'm sorry for that. I thought we were good, but out of no where you send me "I think we need to be done." My heart immediately broke. But why break up with me on my birthday and over text? I asked you why and you immediately became distant. But the rest of the night you Snapchat me crying?! I'm sorry but who broke up with who? You put me on a rollercoast the rest of that month. Telling me you love me one moment, then the next cussing me out. All this time, and you never told me why...

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I get a message on Instagram from a guy asking if I was dating you. He told me that you met each other when you were out of town, and you cheated on me. Then another messages me threatening my life and my friends. Saying you cheated on me with him too. Who knows how many time you cheated on me. My trust was gone, my faith was gone, my heart was gone, I was gone. I was completely lost. 

I lost weight, I was stressed, I lost part on my identity. What I had for you was true love. Something that was indescribable. But was it even love to you? Or was it all fake. I felt like you just used me so I would help you out of that tough time. Even today, I see you at the gym. You were so cruel to me. Telling me about the guys you were talking to, telling me no one likes me, and that I was worthless. You brought me lower to step on me to get up. But even today you come to me when you need help. I don't know why I help you, but deep down I know. It's because no matter what you do, I will always love and want you. 

I'd do it all again to hold you again.

Love You Always,

A Hurt Soul

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