Sun, 04/10/2016 - 17:06 -- lululiz

Sometimes I wonder

If you remember that night

Of his pilgrimage

And my sixth grade graduation

When we were yelling through the door

And I told you to go away

And you said you would kill yourself

And it would be my fault

Because I was immature and difficult

And I made you afraid,


And you walked away,


And I screamed

Because I didn't know what to do

And I thought I would lose you

And I screamed loud through the door

(the one Mom kicked a hole in when I was five)

And I begged you to stop.


And you came back

And you stood outside the door

And I heard you say,

And I'll never forget,

That you really would do it

If I told anyone about that night


So we finished the movie

And you said you were sorry

So I said that I was too


Because I was.


But you never said what you were sorry for

And neither did I

And neither of us asked


And I was afraid to ask

Whether you meant what you said


I held on for years

As I wondered if you meant it


And I thought it would be my fault if you did.


I cried in the shower that night.

I think you heard me.


And I think you half meant it,

And I think you were half trying to make me feel bad,


But I'll never know

Because I never asked

Because it's not polite to ask--

Family and church taught me that.


I cried myself to sleep that night

(And every night for a week--

At least)


And I still cried years later

Because I didn't understand

And I was angry

And I was sad

And I didn't understand


And I never told a soul until now

Because you said you would really do it if I did,


And I think I hated you a little for it


Because I loved you

(I still love you),


And because I idolized you

(Thank God--

If there is one--

That I no longer do),


And because you scared me

(You still do--

Though for different reasons

In the past few years)--


But I said you didn't scare me

Out of guilt

(But more out of fear),

But you told me I scared you.


And you didn't seem to care if it hurt me

Like I cared if I hurt you


So I never asked and you never told.


But I don't think you would have done it.


And that made me angry too

Because I believed everything you told me


And I think that, maybe (hopefully), I knew it wouldn't be my fault.


But I never asked

And you never told me.


I hated you for saying you would kill anyone,

But I hated you more for saying you would do it to yourself,

And I think I would have killed myself too if you had done it--

Which I’m not sure if you realized,

And it made me angry as Hell.



I would have rathered you do it to me instead


And I hated you for making me wish you would kill me first


But I hated myself more


Because I loved you

(I still love you),


And I idolized you

(Thank God--

If there is one--

That I no longer do),


And I loved you

(I still love you)

And I idolized you

(Thank God--

If there is one--

That I no longer do)

More than anyone I have ever loved or idolized.


I wish you told me you wouldn't do it


And I wish you told me it wouldn't be my fault if you did


And I tried to make myself believe that was true

Because part of me knew it couldn't all be my fault


But I never asked

(And I never will)


And you never told me

(And you won’t,

Even if you remember).


Sometimes I think about it,

And I wonder if you ever thought twice about what you told me


But I always believed what you told me


And I think I'll always believe what you tell me


Because I still love you


And I’m still scared of losing you.


But I doubt that you ever thought twice

About that night.

This poem is about: 
My family


Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.


If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741