every one always thinks they know everything about me, they think they know what i am doing or what i am going to turn out like. everyone keeps telling me everything they think i am doing wrong,and what i should be doing right.
well maybe it is time for me to let you know what is really going on:
you think i live the way i do because i want to have fun, or that i am taking the easy way out. you think that i havent tryed to do something that could benifit my future,or that i am happy with the way things are.you all say that i need to grow up, and start being an adult, more mature.
Living this way is not easy.everyday i pray for a mirical,that will somehow take some waight off my shoulders. i have so many decissions that i have to make, that could change my life forever.take some people out of my life,or bringing others back in. going one place or another, and always leaving something behind. That something is a part of me, no matter what it is. my whole life i had to lose everything i ever got used to.abandon my life and start over. feel that consistant pain, that will haunt my fears forever.
no one realizes what i really go through to survive out here. you cant say you understand,and you cant say that you know how im going to end up. because honestly, no one knows who i am anymore. but i am trying my hardest to make sure that i dont forget,to look inside myself and find the person getting lost in the shuffle.
i know i am only 19 years old.i know those years are not very long.but i know that my mind feels so ancient, so worn,and overloaded. sometimes i feel like giving up, resting my head and let everything pass me by.closing my eyes and ignoring everything that surrounds me. but i know better then that. and i have been pushing myself more and more, just to make sure i wake up. my strength is low, and i am fighting the weakness. so please....i am begging you,please. dont assume the worst of me. i know how i may look from your veiw,but the truth resides inside. and no one could ever know what that is, unless you were me.
I know most of you are just trying to look out, give advice,and try to talk me into living differently.its not as easy as you think. and i hope this explained alittle more then i could tell you in words. i think the only thing anyone could do right now is just be there for me. support my decissions even if you dont think they're the best.i do have my reasons,Just because i keep them to myself,doesnt mean they're not there.
thank you for all of you that acually took the time to read this.and listening to what i have to say. hopfully this time i will get through to someone.Time is my worst enemy, but thats what i need the most right now. time to figure out who i am,and where my life is going. i need the time to make my decissions,without the extra pressure and stress. because i want to make sure they are the right decissions.instead of regreting something or leaving another part of me behind. this is my life, let me live,and let me be me.