I knew loss the day I was born

The safety of my first home was suddenly gone

And the world began its treacherous dance around me

And I knew the pain in my heart

That would never completely dissipate 

And I knew the bittersweet whisper of human souls

Anxiously meandering through the ether

While their physical bodies struggled to keep up below

And I knew the bright sun that would soon bring

Tomorrow.

 

I knew loss the day I turned two

When he ran away screaming

And she erased him from our chalkboard hearts

And I knew that home would never be the same

That some holes can't be patched with spackle and paint

And I knew the fickle nature of human beings

Deciding on their forever too soon

And I knew the comfort of the woman

That would always be my star in the darkness of

Tomorrow.

 

I knew loss when I was seven years old

My life haphazardly thrown into boxes

Still never having collected the dust of permanence

And I knew that some stories have more than one beginning

Even when you wouldn't mind resting in the middle

And I knew that the goodbye's of newly blossoming hearts

Were filled with the naive hope of a 'see you soon'

And I knew a fresh start meant a smile on my sister's face

And unlimited promises of the security of

Tomorrow.

 

I knew loss the year I turned 10

Because I brazenly asked if the divorce was imminent

Never expecting my delicate world would actually crumble again

And I knew that I would never trust the empty promises

Of negligent souls on the hunt for a thrill

And I knew that there was no higher plan

Because how can there be a God when you watch your mother cry

And I knew three could be the strongest number in the world

If we just kept fighting side by side in search of a better

Tomorrow.

 

I knew loss at 14 and a half

When my heart had escaped its bone cage

In a bitter attempt to hold on to someone long gone

And I knew that love was never a guarantee

No matter how many times you try to convince yourself otherwise

And I knew the agony of trying to shed your own skin

Since you understood the world was not meant for you

And I knew the stone cold emptiness of a heart and soul

Abandoning their weakened vessel in fear of every single

Tomorrow.

 

I knew loss on my 17th birthday

Because I let her wrap her hands around my heart

Until I felt it stop beating

And I knew what it meant to be surrounded by deafening silence

In a room filled with nothing but hundreds of strangers

And I knew the heartbreak of realizing your mom couldn't fix you

Especially when she could barely fix herself

And I knew that sometimes being strong meant nothing more 

Than keeping your head down to survive the never ending

Tomorrow.

 

I knew loss six months before I turned 19

When I watched myself disappear into a bottle of pills

Just hoping that I could meet the God that abandoned me

And I knew the stupidity of a broken heart

Looking for refuge from a world that didn't mean to harm

And I knew the guilt of seeing the panic in your mother's eyes

And the disappointment of your sister's radio silence

And I knew that I was the only one who could save myself

From the nagging demons insisting I didn't deserve another

Tomorrow.

 

I will know loss for the rest of my life

As I struggle to find new reasons for my heart to keep beating

Through even the most terrifying of days

And I know it will never be easy

To fall in love with myself day after day,

And I know my version of happy endings

Cannot always win out against the will of the world

And I know that despite it all,

Because of it all,

The loss of yesterday and today will never stop me from getting to

Tomorrow.