I met him in high school.

I wouldn’t say I believe in love at first sight

But he was the most beautiful human being to catch my eye

I gawked at the ink in his tan skin

And admired the bounce of his curly, black rat-tail that trailed down the nape of his neck.

What did he do?

It’s difficult to recall.

I’ve suppressed those memories after so long.

But they continue to haunt me in my dreams.

I never realized his actions could be so traumatizing.

I remember the first time he bit me.

I’m surprised it didn’t break the flesh.

I clenched my teeth and my eyes burned as I held in my cry.

I made it clear that I did not enjoy being used as a chew toy.

But, of course, he sweetly replied that that is how he expresses his love as he softly nibbled on my shoulder and I could feel my heart melting.

He showed his love often

Leaving constellations of bruises throughout the entirety of my body.

I winced every time I sat down or felt something touch me.

I was an apple that had been dropped repeatedly.

His love came in other forms too.

He yelled at me and screamed in my face, but only because he cared.

He punched holes in his walls

Instead of my head.

He fractured his hand when he broke his dresser because I made him mad.

He was just expressing his sensitivity.

I still knew he loved me.

He liked to play around.

We would wrestle and he would throw me to the ground by a handful of my hair.

I’d regain my composure, laughing it off because I knew I was fine.

But I always dreaded going to the bathroom because he would look through my phone.

At first, I didn’t mind.

I had nothing to hide.

But, according to him, I wasn’t doing anything right.

We would look through pictures of me and my buds.

God forbid he see a male because he would make sure to punish me for not having the correct friends.

He would do the usual routine

Shaking

Yelling

Hitting things

But I remember one time clearly.

He broke my heart as he stood there silently.

Not long after, the outbursts came

And I slid down the wall

Cradling my knees as tears rolled down my cheeks.

I stared at the blurry ground

Feeling as if I was drowning.

When I looked up at him again, he was packing up my things.

I begged on my knees.

My hands were clasped together and I stared up at him with my hopeless, bloodshot eyes.

I was praying to my God

Towering over me in human form.

He pushed past me out of his room and I heard a blunt thud as he threw my bag out into his trailer lot.

I continued to beg with tears in my eyes and a rip in my soul.

He grabbed me by the arm and threw me out the door.

I rummaged through my things before I hopped in my car

And i remember noticing how thoughtful he was for packing every little item that I had brought.

I screamed in my car as I sat in his driveway.

It was all my fault because he didn’t want me to stay.

So, after a few moments of getting myself together

I drove away.

I didn’t even make it a full mile before I had to pull into the nearest parking lot and suffer through a panic attack.

By the time I felt comfortable enough to drive again,

I checked my phone to see him apologize.

He asked me to come back home, saying we would talk this out.

Of course, I drove back without any hesitation.

He welcomed me in with a strong hug and a passionate kiss.

We cried together and

I was glad I was his.

I have only called the police twice in my life

And both times were because of him, I realize.

The first time, I had had enough.

I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and I was breaking it off.

The next thing I knew, I saw a handful of pills and he guzzled them down without a care in the world.

The second time, we went to a party.

We were already fighting earlier about something minor.

Everyone was drinking

And I babysat my wasted best friend.

The next thing I knew,

Some girl was dancing with my man.

I brushed it off.

I was too exhausted to care.

So I continued to babysit my friend

Holding back her hair.

An hour passed

And then another.

They were still holding onto each other.

So I went back upstairs to check on my friend.

She spoke to me in gibberish and I responded to her by telling her what was happening.

I was overreacting.

They were just dancing.

She was completely incoherent

But I pretended that she was listening.

I walked downstairs to announce that I was leaving.

I told my boyfriend he could either stay or come with me.

I went out in the cold and warmed up my car.

I sat there calling him, but all the calls were ignored.

I sent multiple messages, but still no reply.

So after twenty minutes of waiting, I was ready to drive.

The roads were slick

It had just finished raining.

I shouldn’t have been driving

Because I was too angry.

I made it to the interstate and I was going too fast.

My car began to slide, so I tried to correct it.

I was hydroplaning.

I spun out of control.

I hit the median and all I could say was “no.”

Smoke filled my lungs and I choked.

I reached for the door, but it stayed closed.

I realized the whole front of my car was crushed in.

So i kicked the door open with a rush of adrenaline.

I called 911 as I looked over at my car, I saw a flame.

By the time the police arrived, the flame had turned into a bonfire.

I spent all night and the next morning in the hospital.

When I finally got my phone back, I figured I would let him know.

He expressed his concern and said he wouldn’t let me go.

I still saw him, but much less often.

So he showed his love twice as aggressive.

Things came to an end soon after.

My wasted friend I was babysitting convinced him that I was being unfaithful because she didn’t like him.

He left me

And so did his love

As well as the bruises

The scars

The tears

The pain in my heart.

But at least he never hit me.