they told you to count
One day
One day you will rise again
Then the two years of pain will be worth it
Maybe then you won’t try to pull three all nighters
Maybe then you won’t skip four of your assignments because you have no motivation
But you know that five o’clock will come again
And all the six unread text messages will leer at you
The seven empty containers of take-out will beg to be thrown away
And the eight pillows you’ve made to look and feel like a person laying beside you will keep its back turned
The nine minutes you spent screaming at yourself will echo in the back of your head
The ten different therapy appointments will feel like a pounding pain
Eleven miss calls from your mom will seem stupid to have ignored
And the twelve months spent in the hospital by her side will seem like a welcome.
Your thirteenth birthday party wasn’t the same without her there
The fourteen boyfriends’ hearts you bulldozed while trying to protect yourself
Will beat fifteen times as loud as the screams
Maybe then your sixteen job applications will find there way to the mail
Maybe then you will not give up at seventeen years old
And eighteen will be a breeze
Then the past nineteen reasons will seem like a distance dream
Maybe then you can count to twenty and be able to breathe